So senior year started.
It started about two weeks ago. I'm wearing the same clothes I wore last year, and the same shoes. They're my favorite shoes--- the brown ones that I found at Good will.
I feel as if nothing has changed, and I'm just so focused on graduating that I'm not even making an effort to make friends. I stay in the background and escape at 1:10 every day, with no homework and, some days, nothing in particular to do. And so this is what I do---
I sit in my room and slowly make my way through a pile of cd's while reading the same book over again, High Fidelity. The last cd I went through was the Replacement's Let it Be. The song about being unsatisfied is my favorite because I am. I'm unsatisfied with my attitude, my lack of motivation, the sameness of my days, my job at Kumon, and the way I rarely do anything I claim to enjoy doing. The way I rely on these activities to give me an identity, and when I lose interest in them, I lose who I am. For instance, I was devoted to learning how to play the ukulele. I told people I played the ukulele, and I did. But not anymore. I can't tell people that anymore. And I can't tell people I enjoy volunteering anymore because I don't do that now. I don't do much of anything now, except listen to music.
That's all I feel qualified to talk about, music. The only way I seem to be able to connect with anybody is through music...it's the way I choose to portray myself, as a girl with good taste in music. I have a hard time revealing my personality, my inner being that experiences the music and doesn't just make reference after reference. I roll off references all the time.
And I identify with my clothes, my ugly shoes and trendy plaid shirts. And my short hair, my books, my image as someone in the background. And it seems as though I've put myself in the background of my mind.

And the false sense of self is taking over. This fake, numb existence that replaces the life I felt last summer when I was in the mountains. When I felt powerful and beautiful and like I could take on anything. Like there was another side of myself...one that stood on its own without relying on labels I've put on myself. The part of me that wasn't afraid of people or myself or failure. The part that didn't hesitate to admit I was afraid.

And so afraid. Afraid of not living with purpose, afraid of having other people depend on me, afraid of letting everyone down, afraid of living for anyone except myself. Because I want to feel the emotions I hear in songs, and I want to risk loving someone, and I want to risk losing the attachments to what's accepted in this society to find my own version of happiness.

I want other people to be angry with me.