I wanted my friend to draw a picture of me the day we accepted the house had a problem. We made it clear that it was not us that had the problem; it was the house. We had no problems.
It started slowly, as many major problems do, then grew.
I grew a dread lock over the period of the four months I had been away from the house. People with dreadlocks had always been scary to me, and now I am one of them. I always asked, How do you think I would look with dreads, and people said they could not imagine such a thing.
I wouldn't have imagined fleas taking over the house. I would have thought it would be fairies or some other mythical creature, but not something real, living in our couches, eating our legs, crawling up our arms. I can't stop itching.
For a change, I am resting. I am not the same person that left last March. I have no interest in crystals, for instance, and I am not in love with anyone. I stay out as long as I can, and avoid crowds and any loud mobs. My friend has a talent for designing things and makes these beautiful drawings of houses. He built one once, though it still has no roof. I wanted him to draw a picture of me. I also wanted him to do other things to me.
Drawing is different from designing. I am planning things. I am planning to leave here.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sometimes, I sit near the window and feel that I am part of the conversation people are having outside. This usually happens on cloudy days, when I can actually see them. I sit at the distance I would have anyway, if there were no windows between us.
Most of the time, I do not mind being alone because I can do this. The people outside are my friends. Their names are Brad and Tom, and I have known them forever. They know I am mute, and I have been since the second grade for unknown, mysterious reasons. They don't need to include me in the conversation because they know I actually can't hear either. This is a more recent development, so they haven't had the chance to learn how to communicate with me yet. Not many people have, actually there's only been one.
Since I cannot hear, my accent changes daily, actually my entire personality changes daily because I suppose I do not have one of those either. Some mornings, I am a Russian spy and other mornings a cowboy. I like to perform deaths, particularly the suicide of Natasha, a Russian woman I created one time in a diner.
Oh, Beel! I say. I die!
Things weren't always this way. I tried to change my lifestyle and went on a soul-searching journey, only to find that my whole life up to that point had been performance art. I have Greyhound in my phone in between Gina and Hally, and neither of them know I have never been a real person. Bill is not a real person either, and he does not actually love me.
Natasha believes in love, but she always dies. The season in Bellingham has changed; I feel it in the wind, in the clouds, in myself. The thought of committing to school again or to anything makes me want to ride off on my horse to Montana, to somewhere unsettled.
Growing up, the fall season came with cold and here with rain. When I could walk without pain last August, I walked to the ocean and watched the strange summer rain create circles on the water and felt a change was coming. Now the sky is cloudy, and I am not myself.
Oh, fall.
Most of the time, I do not mind being alone because I can do this. The people outside are my friends. Their names are Brad and Tom, and I have known them forever. They know I am mute, and I have been since the second grade for unknown, mysterious reasons. They don't need to include me in the conversation because they know I actually can't hear either. This is a more recent development, so they haven't had the chance to learn how to communicate with me yet. Not many people have, actually there's only been one.
Since I cannot hear, my accent changes daily, actually my entire personality changes daily because I suppose I do not have one of those either. Some mornings, I am a Russian spy and other mornings a cowboy. I like to perform deaths, particularly the suicide of Natasha, a Russian woman I created one time in a diner.
Oh, Beel! I say. I die!
Things weren't always this way. I tried to change my lifestyle and went on a soul-searching journey, only to find that my whole life up to that point had been performance art. I have Greyhound in my phone in between Gina and Hally, and neither of them know I have never been a real person. Bill is not a real person either, and he does not actually love me.
Natasha believes in love, but she always dies. The season in Bellingham has changed; I feel it in the wind, in the clouds, in myself. The thought of committing to school again or to anything makes me want to ride off on my horse to Montana, to somewhere unsettled.
Growing up, the fall season came with cold and here with rain. When I could walk without pain last August, I walked to the ocean and watched the strange summer rain create circles on the water and felt a change was coming. Now the sky is cloudy, and I am not myself.
Oh, fall.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Things I Say in Econ Class
I fell in the mud. I was walking down a hill, and I fell in the mud.
I'm sorry.
No, I liked it. You know? It was exciting.
I don't know.
My life is falling apart.
What?
Don't you ever feel that way? Like everything is just falling apart and you don't know what you're doing with your life, and everything is ending then you start to think about death, and then the afterlife and how, even when you are alive you can experience the afterlife? When things are dying, and you are dying every fucking day, and what happens when you don't love anything or anyone anymore?
No.
Well, I think I'm experiencing the afterlife.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
No, I liked it. You know? It was exciting.
I don't know.
My life is falling apart.
What?
Don't you ever feel that way? Like everything is just falling apart and you don't know what you're doing with your life, and everything is ending then you start to think about death, and then the afterlife and how, even when you are alive you can experience the afterlife? When things are dying, and you are dying every fucking day, and what happens when you don't love anything or anyone anymore?
No.
Well, I think I'm experiencing the afterlife.
Okay.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday
In the night, sometimes, it is hard to differentiate between bats and birds.
I don't have a voice, and this happened because of bacteria.
My cells are 5% of human and 95% bacterial. Why can't I look like bacteria? Why can't I be that colorful?
I squirm around on the floor sometimes, people in this world call that dancing. I sometimes attach to things. I sometimes forcefully attach to other humans, who are also composed of 95% bacteria.
I wouldn't tell them that because sometimes people are afraid of the things that keep them alive.
I am one of those people. I used to go out at night and look for the bats with my best friend who I now fear more than myself. He and I liked extreme temperatures, like freezing or one hundred degrees. Some nights we would thrive and grow out on the ice covering Lake Michigan, when silence was enough.
I was afraid of falling through the ice, and now I am afraid of the dark. I felt so powerful then.
I cannot see the bacteria where I walk, all I feel is air on my face. I breathe in the cold, the warm, and then the rejection.
Anti-bacterial medication cannot cure rejection. I go inside when it rains because I am feeling many things.
You won't melt, my friend tells me.
I want to be alone, I say.
My room is disinfected because that is how modern people like to live. Without life. This is how I like it because I am modern.
I can't identify flying creatures inside a building, except dust. Slowly I am eroding away.
They say that Lake Michigan will disappear in the future because of sand erosion, and some people think this is sad. Some people like to look at the water without going in it. These people are often very good-looking and easy to attach to and to love.
I am not one of these people.
I don't know what kind of person I am because I am afraid of water even though, without it, I would die.
Bats and birds live around Lake Michigan and so does my friend. He is disappearing under the sand as well, while I sit on my beach towel and watch.
My skin is on fire.
I don't have a voice, and this happened because of bacteria.
My cells are 5% of human and 95% bacterial. Why can't I look like bacteria? Why can't I be that colorful?
I squirm around on the floor sometimes, people in this world call that dancing. I sometimes attach to things. I sometimes forcefully attach to other humans, who are also composed of 95% bacteria.
I wouldn't tell them that because sometimes people are afraid of the things that keep them alive.
I am one of those people. I used to go out at night and look for the bats with my best friend who I now fear more than myself. He and I liked extreme temperatures, like freezing or one hundred degrees. Some nights we would thrive and grow out on the ice covering Lake Michigan, when silence was enough.
I was afraid of falling through the ice, and now I am afraid of the dark. I felt so powerful then.
I cannot see the bacteria where I walk, all I feel is air on my face. I breathe in the cold, the warm, and then the rejection.
Anti-bacterial medication cannot cure rejection. I go inside when it rains because I am feeling many things.
You won't melt, my friend tells me.
I want to be alone, I say.
My room is disinfected because that is how modern people like to live. Without life. This is how I like it because I am modern.
I can't identify flying creatures inside a building, except dust. Slowly I am eroding away.
They say that Lake Michigan will disappear in the future because of sand erosion, and some people think this is sad. Some people like to look at the water without going in it. These people are often very good-looking and easy to attach to and to love.
I am not one of these people.
I don't know what kind of person I am because I am afraid of water even though, without it, I would die.
Bats and birds live around Lake Michigan and so does my friend. He is disappearing under the sand as well, while I sit on my beach towel and watch.
My skin is on fire.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I couldn't eat today.
I am physically visible to other humans, but my mind is not here.
When I approach doors, I see people on the other side approaching on both sides of my own reflection. This is when I choose another door. I don't want to collide with anyone.
But there is one thing I would collide with.
He told me he always sees me at the bus stop, and I say, that's because I am always waiting for things. But not for everything because I will never have it all. There is one thing I always wait for, every day every hour, mostly because it will never come.
I am on my own now.
I am physically visible to other humans, but my mind is not here.
When I approach doors, I see people on the other side approaching on both sides of my own reflection. This is when I choose another door. I don't want to collide with anyone.
But there is one thing I would collide with.
He told me he always sees me at the bus stop, and I say, that's because I am always waiting for things. But not for everything because I will never have it all. There is one thing I always wait for, every day every hour, mostly because it will never come.
I am on my own now.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Charles Bukowski
This post is for all of my friends who don't know what they're supposed to be doing. I don't know either, maybe because we're not supposed to be doing anything. The pressure to do something is coming from inside, and we all need to be aware of the chances the universe gives us. The chances are for us and us alone. Every moment, every new opportunity presented to us indirectly or directly, every person we meet...these are the chances we have to change our lives EVERY DAY. We are marvelous, deserving human beings, and we can do anything we want because we are the masters of our own destinies.
The gods are within us, and our entire beings are waiting for that moment when we finally choose the life that is the life for us, not the life whose path we can see. Because if we are seeing the path, then it isn't ours because our paths are created every day, with each step we take. We want to be individuals with stories, with histories worth telling about with heroes and action and suspense. That's what I want, at least. And a good character in a story has to want something, has to want one thing more than everything else with every action made to get closer to that one thing. When we know what that thing is, it will lead us for the rest of our lives.
And what do I want. What is the one desire that I will base the rest of my life off of? Right now, it's the desire not to have any desire. Because I want everything out of life, and I know it's up to me to get it all. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life chasing after an endless amount of treasure because then I will miss the treasure the universe presents to me every moment. Right now my treasure is the window in front of me with the view of Bellingham Bay. I love large bodies of water, they make me feel less trapped on land, in civilization. If I wanted, I could get on a boat right now and sail so far that I can't even see the lights from buildings; my view would be a timeless view, and I could be anyone in history.
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Charles Bukowski
This post is for all of my friends who don't know what they're supposed to be doing. I don't know either, maybe because we're not supposed to be doing anything. The pressure to do something is coming from inside, and we all need to be aware of the chances the universe gives us. The chances are for us and us alone. Every moment, every new opportunity presented to us indirectly or directly, every person we meet...these are the chances we have to change our lives EVERY DAY. We are marvelous, deserving human beings, and we can do anything we want because we are the masters of our own destinies.
The gods are within us, and our entire beings are waiting for that moment when we finally choose the life that is the life for us, not the life whose path we can see. Because if we are seeing the path, then it isn't ours because our paths are created every day, with each step we take. We want to be individuals with stories, with histories worth telling about with heroes and action and suspense. That's what I want, at least. And a good character in a story has to want something, has to want one thing more than everything else with every action made to get closer to that one thing. When we know what that thing is, it will lead us for the rest of our lives.
And what do I want. What is the one desire that I will base the rest of my life off of? Right now, it's the desire not to have any desire. Because I want everything out of life, and I know it's up to me to get it all. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life chasing after an endless amount of treasure because then I will miss the treasure the universe presents to me every moment. Right now my treasure is the window in front of me with the view of Bellingham Bay. I love large bodies of water, they make me feel less trapped on land, in civilization. If I wanted, I could get on a boat right now and sail so far that I can't even see the lights from buildings; my view would be a timeless view, and I could be anyone in history.
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