Moments pass by slower when you're waiting.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to always have something to wait for--- something obtainable and approaching. Life would feel longer, and maybe it could seem to last forever.
The mind can change time.
Time changes are odd. I think of time as an ongoing record--- not one that can back up an hour or go forward an hour. What happened to that hour? If you add up all of these time warps when you die, there's probably an entire day or two that you fast-forwarded through. And they take hours away--- you already lived it, but it starts over. And for me this sucks because I'm always sleeping. I would like to be awake and do an hour over again.
I would like to do this past year over again and be friendlier and more confident. I can think of one moment in particular.
I passed him in the hallway, and he had noticed that I dyed my hair over the weekend. It was 10 o'clock.
Yeah, I did dye it.
I like it.
Tha-anks (walking slowly). I could be anyone now, you know? It's like putting on a disguise. Maybe I've suddenly become an 80's punk rock fanatic, you wouldn't know would you.
No, I wouldn't.
At this moment, 10:02, I walked away, saying something existential and stopping halfway through the sentence. I tend to do this--- I start saying something and imagine that no one else can hear it because it's not a complete thought in my head. I have a hard time accepting that everything I say is actually heard by other people. What I should have done, if there was a time warp right then, was out of nowhere told him I was in love with him. It would have been entirely shocking.
I do like daylight, but I don't think we should try to change time to get more daylight. We should instead change our schedules and do everything earlier or later because time is related to the speed of the eart and the earth doesn't stop revolving ever and we keep moving on because of this.
Even when I resist moving on.
When I dwell.
I dwell too much. I should build myself a dwelling out of rocks and hide from the daylight and decide what time it is. And maybe I decide it's always 8 in the morning so that I can keep mentally preparing for my day forever and living out the future in my head. It gets to be 8:01, but then I just jump back to 8. I miss a million appointments and obligations because the world doesn't know about my dark dwelling or my time change.
It's day when it's bright, but in the dwelling it's dark all of the time. It's a dark 8 AM--- my favorite kind because I don't have to see anything yet,
One of those dim mornings, and I have to watch for cars because no one can see me, even though I see them. The lights are in my eyes, but the lights cast a shadow behind me. I wave my arms, and my arms appear distorted on the pavement. My shadow could be anyone. I could be anyone.